Bonding Doesn’t Come Instantly: How EMDR for Birth Trauma Supports Moms Who Didn’t Feel the ‘Immediate Love’ After Birth
When you’re expecting, you might picture a magical moment after birth. An instant rush of overwhelming love the second your baby is placed in your arms. But for many, that’s not what happens. If you’re struggling with a sense of distance or numbness, please know you’re not alone and you’ve done nothing wrong. Sometimes, the aftershocks of a difficult delivery get in the way of that connection. Compassionate support like EMDR therapy for birth trauma can help you find your way back to yourself and your baby.
So many mothers are told that bonding is an instinct that should kick in immediately. The truth is, that expectation creates a myth. It can leave you feeling isolated and ashamed if your reality is different. Your experience is your own, and there is no right or wrong way to feel after giving birth.
The Science of Connection and the Reality of Survival
Your body is designed for connection. After you have a baby, hormones like oxytocin and prolactin are released to help facilitate that immediate, powerful bond. However, it's a common misconception that this hormonal cocktail is a guarantee of instant love for everyone. The experience of giving birth is also a significant physical event; and for many, it’s a traumatic one. When your body and nervous system go through something so intense, they can remain in survival mode.
This state of high alert is not your fault. It’s a biological response to protect you. But it can also cause symptoms of anxiety or depression that create a barrier between you and your newborn.Feeling a deep emotional connection can be nearly impossible when your entire being is focused on simply surviving. Healing takes time; for the body to recover, hormones to regulate, and the nervous system to recognize that the danger has passed. The overwhelm and sleep deprivation that come with a newborn only add another layer, keeping you in that survival state.
Why You Might Not Feel an Immediate Bond
The pressure on mothers, especially high-achieving women, to do everything perfectly can make it difficult to admit when things don't feel right. If you went through a difficult or traumatic birth, your body may still be holding onto that experience. This can make it hard to feel safe enough to connect emotionally.
When you're just trying to get through the day, navigating a new normal with a baby who depends on you for everything, it can be overwhelming. Emotional connection might feel like a luxury you just don’t have the capacity for. This is a common experience for overwhelmed moms. The disconnect isn’t a reflection of your love.
It’s a Sign that Your System Needs Time and Support to Recover.
In therapy, mothers often share these feelings with a sense of shame or fear, using phrases I hear so often:
"I felt nothing when they handed me my baby."
"I was just numb. I thought something was wrong with me."
"Why don't I feel anything? I must be a bad mom."
"I feel like I'm the only one who has ever felt this way."
If these thoughts resonate with you, please hear this: You are not a bad mom. You are not broken. And you are certainly not the only one. These feelings are a normal response to an incredibly challenging experience.
How EMDR for Birth Trauma Can Help You Reconnect
So, how do you begin to heal when you feel so disconnected? This is where a specialized approach can make all the difference. Unlike traditional talk therapy, which primarily engages the logical part of your brain, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) takes a different approach. It helps bridge the gap between your logical mind and your emotional core. This powerful tool aids in processing trauma that has become "stuck."
Have you ever found yourself replaying a moment from your birth experience, where the fear or pain feels just as raw as it did when it happened? That’s because the memory wasn’t fully processed at the time. EMDR for birth trauma helps your brain reprocess these memories, not by erasing them, but by gently loosening their emotional grip. It allows you to recall the event without feeling overwhelmed, so it can finally settle into its rightful place as a memory from the past.
The Process Often Begins With What You Are Feeling in the Present Moment.
As a women's EMDR therapist in Columbus, I guide you in identifying the triggers and the negative beliefs about yourself that are tied to them. A belief like, “I am a bad mom,” or “I am inadequate,” can feel deeply true, even if you logically know it isn’t. Using bilateral stimulation (such as gentle tapping), we help your brain make new, healthier connections. This allows you to access and reprocess stuck emotions from a place of safety. You don’t have to relive the trauma; you simply process it so it no longer has the same emotional charge. It helps release the trauma stored in your body, allowing you to finally feel a sense of calm and release.
Finding a Path to Feeling Safe Again
The first step in our work together is always building trust and safety. I meet every mother exactly where she is, without judgment. We start with psychoeducation: learning about how birth impacts the brain and body. Understanding the "why" behind your feelings of anxiety, numbness, or detachment can bring an immense sense of relief. It helps you realize that your experience is a valid, biological response.
From there, we learn tools to help regulate your nervous system. Through bilateral stimulation, we work on activating your "rest and digest" system (the parasympathetic nervous system). This helps you shift out of survival mode. Once you feel safer and more grounded in your own body, we can begin to address the specific negative beliefs you hold about yourself.
We use the 8-phase EMDR protocol, often integrated with somatic therapy, to help you reconnect with your body. We work to release the guilt and shame you've carried, gently transforming beliefs like "I have to be perfect" into "I am good enough as I am." The goal is to move from logically knowing you're a good mom to truly feeling it in your core. If you are looking for EMDR for birth trauma in Columbus Ohio, finding a therapist who understands these nuances is key to your healing.
Three Things You Can Do Right Now
While therapy is a powerful resource, there are things you can do today to begin to feel more present and regulated.
Allow Yourself to Be. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you are feeling, without guilt. Your body and brain have gone through immense changes. It takes time to adjust. Remind yourself that showing up for your baby each day, even when it’s hard, is an incredible act of love. Bonding will come.
Use Your Baby to Help You Ground. When your baby is calm, try laying them on your chest. Close your eyes and focus on the sensation of their weight, the feeling of their tiny body against yours. Notice their breathing. Allow the physical connection to bring you into the present moment, without any pressure to feel a certain way.
Regulate Your Nervous System. When you feel dysregulated, remind yourself that it's your nervous system activating; it does not mean you are failing. If you can, step into another room for a moment. Take a few deep, slow breaths. Run your hands under warm water and just focus on the sensation. This simple act can help you feel more present and calm your system, even just a little bit.
You Are Not Alone on This Journey
The journey into motherhood is not always what we expect, and that is okay. If you didn't feel that "immediate love," it doesn't say anything about your capacity to be a wonderful, loving mother. It simply means your journey to connection may look different. Bonding is a process, not a single moment. It’s built through thousands of small, quiet acts of care.
With compassion for yourself and the right support, you can release the weight of trauma and guilt and begin to calm your nervous system. This will help you find your way to the deep, meaningful connection you and your baby deserve. Healing is possible, and the bond will grow.
What Could Reclaiming Your Connection Feel Like With EMDR?
As you’ve been reading, perhaps you felt a sense of recognition—a quiet understanding that you are not alone in this. That feeling of being seen is the first step toward healing. Choosing to care for yourself is one of the most loving things you can do for both you and your baby. You deserve to experience motherhood with a sense of peace and joy, free from the weight of guilt or trauma.
Here at Merrianna Holdeman Counseling, I specialize in guiding new mothers through this exact journey. As a women's EMDR therapist in Columbus, OH, I can help you explore how EMDR for birth trauma can support you. This gentle, effective therapy can help your nervous system finally feel safe, allowing your body and mind to rest and heal. Together, we can work to process the difficult experiences and help you reconnect with your confident, centered self.
Schedule your complimentary 15-minute consultation today.
Learn more about my approach and how EMDR can help heal birth trauma and guide you toward recovery and empowerment.
Discover a new approach to motherhood; one that nurtures confidence, fosters deep connections, and empowers you to find balance and joy in your journey.
Other Therapy Services at Merrianna Holdeman Counseling
As you begin to explore the feelings surrounding your birth experience and the complexities of bonding, you might notice other challenges rise to the surface. The journey of motherhood doesn't happen in a vacuum, and often, the weight of postpartum anxiety or birth trauma is intertwined with other feelings you’ve been carrying. Perhaps you recognize a constant current of anxiety that runs beneath everything you do. Or maybe you feel completely depleted by the endless demands of motherhood, struggling to focus when exhaustion makes even small tasks feel overwhelming. Many of the overwhelmed moms and high-achieving women I support are not just healing from birth but also navigating ongoing challenges with anxiety, trauma, and ADHD.
These experiences can create a difficult cycle, where the pressure to be a "perfect" mother clashes with self-doubt and emotional exhaustion. It can feel impossible to find a moment of peace or a sense of balance. Therapy offers a gentle space to hold all of these pieces together. It is a place where you can finally stop pretending everything is okay and speak honestly about what you’re feeling, without fear of judgment. Here, you’ll find compassionate support as you work toward a life that feels more steady and true to yourself. That’s why at Merrianna Holdeman Counseling, I offer specialized in-person therapy for women ready to heal from anxiety and trauma and find clarity with ADHD.
About the Author
Merrianna Holdeman, LPCC, is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor in Ohio dedicated to helping women navigate the tender and often complex transition into motherhood. She is passionate about supporting new mothers, especially high-achieving women and those feeling overwhelmed, as they heal from birth trauma and postpartum anxiety. With specialized training in EMDR, Merrianna offers a warm, non-judgmental space for her clients. She compassionately guides mothers through processing their birth experiences, helping them release stored trauma, calm their nervous systems, and find a confident, connected path forward in motherhood.
